Every character in the Twilight Saga, ranked by hotness

why not have dessert before the main course?

Our Twilight edition of the main newsletter is still in progress as Kelsey and Hannah both juggle looming deadlines of the upcoming schoolyear and finishing their writing. In the meantime, please enjoy……

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once Kelsey had her turn to unleash the somewhat-curséd timeline of the definitely-curséd Kristin/Robert relationship, I (Hannah) knew I wanted my own turn, and I knew exactly what my special edition had to be—a comprehensive ranking of the hotness of every named character in the Twilight Saga. this is fundamentally messy because no one is truly hot in the Twilight Saga. how is this scientifically possible? the explanation remains unclear. nevertheless, I persisted, and I have delivered. herein contains the 90 named characters of the Twilight Saga, ranked by their hotness.

• Renesmee Cullen (Mackenzie Foy)

  

  Not hot. Weird to rank a kid here, I just committed to ranking every named character, and I wasn’t gonna let that fall through. Troubling that the Twilight series did not feel this same way about sexualizing children, though!!

• Seth Clearwater (Boo Boo Stewart)

  

  Is this actor technically a child? Unsure. I was too lazy to google. That being said, the character is definitely a child, which again makes it super weird to rank him on this list. He’s very cute though! And his real name is Boo Boo, are you kidding me?!

• Bree Tanner (Jodelle Ferland)

  

  Also a child? I think? Idk. Either way, definitely too scared for all of her onscreen time to ever be hot.

• Marcus (Christopher Heyerdahl)

  

  Creepy, evil dude who doesn’t dress in a way that is cool in *any* century, much less the 21st one.

• Felix (Daniel Cudmore)

  

  Ew.

• John (Ben Geldreich)

  

  GTFOH WITH THAT CREEPY-ASS SMILE, JOHN.

• Royce King (Jack Huston)

  

  TRASH TRASH TRASH, YOU RAPIST MOTHERFUCKING TRASH.

• Vladimir (Noel Fisher) and Stefan (Guri Weinberg)

  

  Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually very empathetic to Vladimir and Stefan’s case to just wipe out the Volturi and be done with it. But what look is happening here? I’m just not feeling it.

• Aro (Michael Sheen)

  

  Aro is not hot. But I feel like he could be. I bet he’s real kinky. I don’t hate it. Someone rescue me, I have been in quarantine for far too long.

• Caius (Jamie Campbell Bower)

  

• Alec (Cameron Bright)

  

  Time for you to quit your day job and fulfill your calling as a boy band member, my dude.

• Santiago (Lateef Crowder)

  

• Randall (Bill Tangradi)

  

  This is the guy that texts “u up?” at 2am after you’ve been on exactly one date. Delete his number while you still can.

• Phil Dwyer (Ty Olsson)

  

  Anyone wearing a soul patch in the Year of Our Lord 2011 deserves to go straight to jail.

• Waylon Forge (Ned Bellamy)

  

• Harry Clearwater (Graham Greene)

  

  Justice for Harry, the first decent human being on this list!!

• Liam (Patrick Brennan)

  

• Cold One (Peter Murphy)

  

  He terrorized an entire village and killed a bunch of people, but he is actually working that jacket. That’s more than most of the Volturi can say.

• Peter (Erik Odom)

  

• Ms. Shelly Cope (Trish Egan)

  

  Do you think my hairstylist would be willing to give me this look? Lol jk….unless?

• Gustavo (Sebastiao Lemos) and Kaure (Carolina Virguez)

Justice for these poor folks who are just trying to live their lives vampire-free! Is that too much to ask?!

• Mr. Molina (José Zúñiga)

  

  Just an ordinary guy, trying to teach a science class in a vampire-infested town in the PNW. You know, typical life things.

• Quil Ateara (Tyson Houseman) and Embry Call (Kiowa Gordon)

  

• Edward Cullen, Twilight (Robert Pattinson)

  

  Before you freak out, hear me out. Edward gets progressively hotter throughout the series, but what the makeup team chose to do to Pattinson’s eyebrows in the first movie is, quite frankly, a crime. His makeup is weird, they’ve done his hair weird, his whole vibe is weird, and it’s definitely not his hottest movie.

• Emmett Cullen (Kellan Lutz)

  

  I want to be feeling it. I know I’m *supposed* to be feeling it—the movies certainly worked hard enough to convey that he’s supposed to be the hot one. But I’m just not feeling it.

• Eric Yorkie (Justin Chon)

  

  His haircut is VERY late ‘00s, to the point that it’s almost distracting. But Eric is a normal human being, and we on this newsletter like normal human beings!

• Riley Biers (Xavier Samuel)

  

• Maggie (Marlane Barnes)

  

• Senna (Tracey Higgins) and Zafrina (Judi Shekoni)

  

• Demetri (Charlie Bewley)

One of the only hot members of the Volturi, and I don’t even remember what his skill is. For shame.

• James (Cam Gigandet)

  

  James. Ugh. Hot in theory, not in praxis.

• Taha Aki (Byron Chief-Moon)

  

  Just a guy, trying to save his loved ones from a vampire destroying his home and killing off his tribe.

• Third Wife (Mariel Belanger)

  

  Hey, she was willing to kill herself to save her family. How many of us can say that?

• Esme Cullen (Elizabeth Reaser)

  

  Every time I rank a main character this low I feel so bad! But they just could not get her hair or makeup right at any point in this series and it gave her a 5-head the whole time. This costume and makeup team for the series did not ever successfully get their shit together.

• Tyler Crowley (Gregory Tyree Boyce)

  

• Laurent (Edi Gathegi)

  

• Cora (Ayanna Berkshire)

• Cold Woman (Monique Ganderton)

  

• Siobhan (Lisa Howard)

  

  Very “Hot Mrs. Weasley” vibes.

• Vera (Sabrina Frank)

  

• Tanya (MyAnna Buring) and Kate (Casey LaBow)

  

  Interesting characters! Almost likable, which is more than most of the vampires in this series can say! But are they hot? Hmmmmm.

• Maria (Catalina Sendino Moreno), Nettie (Leah Gibson), and Lucy (Kirsten Zien)

• Angela Webber (Christian Serratos)

  

  I always liked Angela in the books. She was the nicest of the Forks High groupies. I thought they did her character dirty in the movies. But she’s pretty. *shrug emoji*

• Gianna (Justine Wachsberger)

  

• Charlotte (Valorie Curry)

  

• Mike Newton (Michael Welch)

  

  Oh, Mike. Is Mike hot? I think this could be an essay in itself, but my short answer is, only if you like the blandest and most boring men possible, in which case every single man in this entire series will fit that bill. But he’s safe, which is more than most of the men in this series can claim.

• Henri (Amadou Li) and Yvette (Janelle Froehlich)

  

  Surprised I ranked these two random-ass vampires this high? So am I! But they’re both surprisingly hot, so I guess it fits!

• Billy Black (Gil Birmingham)

  

  Certainly biased here because of how much I like Gil Birmingham, but who cares! It’s my list! I can do whatever the hell I want!

• Sam Uley (Chaske Spencer)

  

• Sue Clearwater (Alex Rice)

  

• Bianca (Ali Faulkner)

  

• Rachel Black (Tanaya Beatty)

  

• Kim (Caitlin Mooney Fu)

  

  She is super cute, it pains me to rank her this low but this is where the rankings are going to start to get really competitive.

• Jane (Dakota Fanning)

  

  It’s a crime to rank Dakota Fanning this low. I know. But the red eyes are just too weird in her face. Plus, you know, Jane being a horrible blood-sucking being and all.

• Jessica Stanley (Anna Kendrick)

  

  Jessica is….not that hot. But Anna Kendrick is. If you’ve ever seen A Simple Favor, you’ll understand.

• Alistair (Joe Anderson)

  

• J. Jenks (Wendell Pierce)

  

  I know I’m a fool, but I love a competent man, and I love Wendell Pierce. I DO WHAT I WANT.

• Amun (Omar Metwally)

  

• Irina (Maggie Grace)

  

  Truly gripping to watch Maggie Grace play Shannon as a vampire in an alternate universe. Really makes you think.

• Emily Young (Tinsel Korey)

  

• Jared Cameron (Bronson Pelletier)

  

• Paul Lahote (Alex Meraz)

  

  I’d let Paul snap me in half. I’m just saying.

• Renee Dwyer (Sarah Clarke)

  

  LISTEN. Mama Swan can get it.

• Heidi (Noot Seear)

  

  Yes I *would* like a tour, thank you very much. *wink*

• Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli)

  

  Carlisle shouldn’t be hot, but somehow he is. Of all the Cullen men, I would *personally* take the most pleasure out of seducing Carlisle. The libido works in mysterious ways.

• Edward Cullen, New Moon (Robert Pattinson)

  

  By New Moon, the evolution of Edward’s look has been slightly improved, but they still have a long way to go before they’re ready to relinquish their death grip on the white foundation palette they continue to plaster to Pattinson’s face.

• Jasper Hale (Jackson Rathbone)

  

  Jasper is hot, sometimes, and other times, he’s a former Confederate soldier which they never address or explain AT ALL. Very upsetting.

• Tia (Angela Sarafyan)

• Eleazar (Christian Camargo) and Carmen (Mia Maestro)

  

  They probably have a tinder bio that says “looking for a fun girl who’s up for anything and enjoys the outdoors,” and I can’t even be mad about it.

• Mary (Toni Trucks)

  

• Nahuel (J.D. Pardo) and Huilen (Marisa Quinn)

  

  Very hot. 10/10 would bang.

• Kebi (Andrea Gabriel)

  

• Edward Cullen, Eclipse (Robert Pattinson)

  

  By Eclipse, they’ve gotten *so close* to figuring out Edward’s look, but they’re not willing to unleash the full Pattinson on us, not yet.

• Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner)

  

  This is where my choices are about to get real controversial. Yes, Jacob is hot. No, Jacob is not even in the top 10. His hotness is too forced, too gauche. Somehow he is *too* openly horny. I do not want to be told who I’m supposed to be attracted to! Stop shoving Jacob in my face, Stephanie Meyer!

• Benjamin (Rami Malek)

  

  In his 5 scenes in the last movie of the series, Rami Malek manages to scrounge up more emotion and charisma than Taylor Lautner does in the entire series. I would follow Malek to the ends of the earth.

• Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart)

  

  Bella makes it into the Top 10 by the skin on her nose, and I’m not convinced she even deserves that. Don’t get me wrong, Kristen Stewart is hot, especially once she embraces her gay self, but Bella is a mess of trying too hard to appear like a basic straight white girl. She’s hot in the last 2 movies, I’ll accept that, but the rest of the movies are brutal to watch them try to make her look like a heroine in a teen romance when it clearly does not fit her.

• Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene)

  

  It takes them a while, but once the hair & makeup team finally figures out Alice’s look, she’s actually very pretty.

• Rosalie Hale (Nikki Reed)

  

  Unsurprising, I think, that someone as gorgeous as Nikki Reed would make it in the Top 10, in spite of the fact that blonde looks super weird on her. They didn’t seem to figure out the wigs in these movies until the very end.

• Leah Clearwater (Julia Jones)

  

  Leah is super hot and probably my favorite character of the series. Who hasn’t wanted to get away from an ex and couldn’t because they were basically everywhere? Justice for Leah.

• Garrett (Lee Pace)

  

  You can’t put Lee Pace in a movie series and not put him in the Top 5 hottest characters list, it’s against the law.

• Victoria (Rachel Lefevre)

  

  Super evil. Also, super hot. A real dilemma.

• Edward Cullen, Breaking Dawn 1 & 2 (Robert Pattinson)

  

  Edward finally reaches his full hotness when the makeup team gives up on making him pasty and just leaves him be. Also he finally smiles in this movie, a real smile for maybe the first time?! An absolute heartthrob, a delight, we adore Robert Pattinson and he is just delightful enough to ease the horror of these movies. But he does not take home the hotness trophy!!! That trophy belongs to…..

• Charlie Swan (Billy Burke)

  

  BEFORE YOU YELL AT ME, HEAR ME OUT. Charlie is the only sane person in this story. He is (rightfully!!!) wary of the vampires, thinks the whole thing is insane, thinks Bella should *not* get married at 18 to her clingy highschool boyfriend, and thinks it would be healthy for her to date other people and get a sense of the outside world! Spend college apart! Normal things that help prevent codependency! While imparting all of this wisdom, he is still unconditionally loving and supportive of Bella, even when she ignores his advice and makes choices I know he does not endorse. And he manages to pull off this 80s mustache, which is genuinely impressive. And look at those tender eyes. I’d call Charlie daddy if he asked me to. Fine af, a real man who doesn’t need to flex all the time to be confident in who he is. Big BDE. I’m Team Charlie for life.